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    搞笑对联笑话

    2015-1-22 15:30| 发布者: wenqin| 查看: 5344| 评论: 0

    摘要: 这里小编整理了一些搞笑对联笑话<,看了一定让你捧腹大笑<<,可别把大牙笑掉了哦。古有上联一句:东当铺<,西当铺,东西当铺当东西<。原对为:南通州,北通洲<<,南北通州通南北<。后有一学校教员应下联云:男教员<,女教员, ...
    这里小编整理了一些搞笑对联笑话,看了一定让你捧腹大笑,可别把大牙笑掉了哦。
    古有上联一句:东当铺,西当铺,东西当铺当东西。
    原对为:南通州,北通洲,南北通州通南北。
    后有一学校教员应下联云:男教员,女教员,男女教员教男女。
    可以说开口不离本行。
    又有一位先生将对联改动几字,使得更加妙解人意,联云:东典当,西典当,东西典当当东西;男学生,女学生,男女学生生男女。

    1. 士兵问连长:作战时踩到地雷咋办?连长大为恼火:靠,能咋办?踩坏了照价赔偿呗。
    2.女:“只要有钱,我嫁给谁都行?!蹦校骸耙械谋O展衲慵蘼??”
    3..病人:“医生,你把剪刀留在我肚子里了?!薄懊还叵?,我还有一把?!?/div>
    4.有两个造假钞的不小心造出面值15元的假钞,两人决定拿到偏远山区花掉,当他们拿一张15元买了1元的糖葫芦好,他们哭了,农民找了他们两张7块的。
    5.一大学生的最低标准; 农妇,山泉,有点田
    7.我说你是猪,你说:我是猪才怪。从此我便叫你“猪才怪”!终于有一天,你忍不住向众人吼道:我不是猪才怪!
    8.法官:你为什么要印假钞?被告无辜地说:因为我不会印真钞。
    9.贼甲:“快数数今天一共抢了多少钱?”贼乙:“不用,明天看看报纸就知道了?!?/div>
    10.昨天晚上的太阳真不错.
    11.有一天,一个富豪要买车,却在为车行没有吉祥的车牌号正犹豫不决。车行老板走过来笑着说:“这个车牌不错00544(动动我试试),保证没人敢惹,不错吧”!
    富豪心动了,立即购买此车,可第二天就出了车祸,富豪生气的走下车,心想这车你也敢撞,可下车一看立即灰溜溜的走了,原来对方的车牌是44944(试试就试试)。

    1、从前,有个进士老爷,专横跋扈,不可一世。有年春节,他为了炫耀,在自己的大门上贴了这么一副对联:
    父进士、子进士,父子皆进士;
    婆夫人,媳夫人,婆媳均夫人。
    正巧,镇上有个穷秀才,路过进士的家门,看见了这副对联。他先是露出鄙视的神态,接着,又露出一丝得意的笑容。到晚上,他见四下无人,就悄悄地在对联上加改了一些笔画。
    第二天一大早,进士的门前围满了大堆看热闹的人,他们有说有笑,议论纷纷,大家都称赞:“改得好!改得好!”
    门外的吵嚷声惊动了进士老爷,他连忙打开大门,一看,立即昏倒在门前的台阶上了。
    原来,进士门前的对联,已被秀才改成了这样:
    父进土,子进土,父子皆进土;
    婆失夫,媳失夫,婆媳均失夫。
    2.守一台电脑,两个知己,三味人生,四海朋友,五子对弈,溜来溜去,七赢八输,久久不睡醒来已十时

    看十人通宵,九个传奇,八个私服,七星北斗,六个冲极,吾看吾身,四斗三胜,而而鼾声俯桌睡一人
    3.从前有个少爷,平日吃喝玩乐,游手好闲,把他父亲留下的遗产都花光了,临近年关,连柴米也没有。除夕夜,这位穷困潦倒的少爷写了一副对联自嘲,贴于门口:“行节俭事 过淡泊年”

    。村上有位老学者读后,慨叹不已,在对联的联首各加上一字, 成了:“早行节俭事 免过淡泊年”。
    4.解缙自幼好学,出口成章。这年春节,他在后门上贴了一副春联:“门对千竿竹,家藏万卷书?!倍悦诺脑蓖饪戳?,很不高兴,心想:只有像我这样的人家,才配贴这副对联,就命仆人把

    竹子砍了。不一会儿,家人来报,解缙的春联改成了:“门对千竿竹短,家藏万卷书长?!痹蓖馓?,非常恼火,令人把竹子连根挖出,不料解家的春联又改为:“门对千竿竹短无,家藏万

    卷书长有?!?/div>
    5.古时候,有一人家十分迷信,凡事都要讨个吉利。大年三十晚上, 父亲和两个儿子商议说:“堂上要贴一副新春联,现在咱们每人说一句吉利话,凑出一副春联来?!绷礁龆拥阃烦剖?。

    父亲先捋着胡须念道:“今年好!”大儿子想了想也念道:“倒霉少?!倍咏幼庞帜畹溃骸安坏么蚬偎?!”念完了,大家称赞了一番,就由父亲执笔,写了一条没加标点的长幅,贴在堂

    屋的正中。邻居们来拜年。一进门,看见那副春联,大声念道:“今年好倒霉,少不得打官司!”
    6.曾经在铁路施工队一线施工,一年春节将至,因抢进度,保工期,故施工队决定节日加班,突击生产。
    寒风瑟瑟,草木枯黄,万物萧条,虽然施工现场机器轰鸣,热火朝天,可施工驻地却冷冷清清,少了些气氛,缺了点年味。恰巧前几天看了一篇文章,大概内容是某校老师利用严谨、公正的

    对联幽他人一默的故事,深受启发,于是在自己所住的电、钳、车、焊等工种繁多的综合班门上草书对联一幅:
    上联:架银线送光明点点焊焊
    下联:精心车细工琢敲敲打打
    横批:样样精通
    此联一贴出>,顿觉简陋的施工板房生动了不少,多了些喜庆的气氛<。
    各工班见了><,纷纷来讨<,于是按萝卜挖坑>,给他们各送一幅<>。
    汽车班的上联为:手里端着盘子脚下踩着轮子
    下联是:嘴里惦着孩子心里想着妻子
    横批:子子不倦
    挖掘机班的上联:举臂试天高
    下联:俯身探地厚
    横批:熟知深浅
    推土机班的上联:推凸平凹踏平不毛之地
    下联:碾细压实筑起万里长基
    横批:修理地球
    技术组上联:手提望远镜(水准仪)肩扛红缨枪(滑杆)
    下联:左手抡大锤右手插木桩
    横批:划清界线
    虽不工整严谨>,但也无伤大雅,各工班皆曰:“权当红纸一张<>,贴到门上图个红火热闹吧<>!”
    平时少见笑容的食堂管理员胖子也笑眯眯的来了>><,“给俺也来一幅”憨态可掬<<。一看到他,我便想起了前天买辣子鸡块时碗里的两个鸡头一个鸡屁股,心里十分憋气,于是借机逗他一逗><,提

    笔送他一幅,上联:猪炖粉条少肉>,下联:清水萝卜缺油>>,横批:难以下咽>。胖子一看,面似猪肝<<,眼赛铜铃<,狠狠一句“什么玩意<<!”摔门而去<<>,我掩口而笑,心里一阵恶作剧后的惬意,

    爽?>?<>!
    正在得意之余<,忽听咣当一声,工地现场领工员手提扫帚踹门而入<,二话不说>,直奔我挥舞而来。原来我送他的一幅上联是:日晒雨淋浑不怕,下联:风吹雨打更精神<>,横批:脸黑皮厚><!一

    看这阵势>>>,我自知不好><,便夺门而逃>,就听身后一阵跺脚咬牙之声:
    “小子,你等着<,跑了和尚跑不了庙……”
    哎<>,都是这对联闹得>!
    7.某大学有相邻三个寝室<,a室人好“麻”><><,b室人喜烟<<<,c室人好酒。

    所以a室被称为“麻馆”,b室被称为“烟馆”>,c室被称为“酒馆”>。一日有好事者夜间给三个寝室贴了三幅对联:

    a室上联为“修我长城”,下联为“爱我中华”,横批为“不玩不行”<<>。

    b室的上联为“日照小屋生紫烟”<<,下联为“烧尽口袋所有钱”<<,横批为“随地吐痰”。

    c室上联为“举寝食粥酒常喝”,下联为“莫使金樽空对月”<,横批为“一喝就多”<<。

    期末后>,学校对这三个寝室进行了“三查”>><>,三个寝室的人不仅被抓了补考还受了处分<,又有好事者在夜间偷着给三个寝室贴了对联:

    a室的上联为“不修长城非好汉”><,下联为“修了长城输一万”横批为“一群傻蛋”>。

    b室的上联为“口袋钱抽干”<,下联为“小脸金光闪”<,横批为“有病肺炎”。
    c室上联为“拿空杯流眼泪”<,下联为“不及格喝坏胃”<,横批为“酒钱交了补考费”>。
    9.上联:爱已欠费,情已?<;?<<,缘分不在服务区。下联:思也痛苦>>,想也伤心,何日缴费再开机>?横批:梦想成真
    10.师:一卷二题共三问答不识四力五式六论竟写七八九字,十分不好<!
    生:十课九混总得八天七时六分五刻四秒尚且三摸二请>>,一等庸师<>>!
    师:一年四季>,春夏秋冬<,可笑学生<,岂知春秋><?
    生:一地四方<,东西南北<,无耻教师><,不识(是)东西<<<!
    师:教室里<<,人不到<,课不上<,警告学生>,此科必当<!
    生:课堂里>,书乱教<,试乱考<<,靠背老师<>,你娘可好<?
    师:我上流教学>,献出一身才学<!
    生:你下等劣容<<,露出半个光头<<<!
    师:三生不幸出劣徒>,难为汝师<<>!
    生:一时不慎选错师<>>,苦了我辈!
    师:请你快走不强求<!
    生:我来旁听硬要留!
    师:影响教学我心愁>><>!
    生:换我来教你跳楼>!

    上联:考试不作弊来年当学弟;下联:宁可没人格不可不及格;横批:就是要过!
    上联:爱已停牌,情也斩仓,缘分滑到跌停板;下联:思正牛市,想无熊市,感情无法投长线;横批:赶紧补仓。
    上联:天苍苍地茫茫想你的日子太漫长;下联:风潇潇路迢迢没你的日子太迷茫;横批:没钱太难<。
    送你幅对联:上联:爱己缴费,情己开机,相思走在漫游区。下联:想也欢喜,思也甜蜜,天南海北常联系<>。横批:不能没有你>。
    上联:风在刮,雨在下,我在等你回电话!下联:为你生,为你死,为你守侯一辈子!横批:发错人了>>。
    上联:忆往昔,红米饭,南瓜汤,老婆一个,小孩一帮<。下联:看今朝,白米饭,王八汤,小孩一个,老婆一帮。
    上联:别让情欠费,别让爱?;?缘份别出服务区。下联:思念总在线,感情不关机,想我发条短信息<>。横批:爱不移动,心才联通!
    俺给你整一对对联,上联:为你苦为你累为你哗哗掉眼泪,下联:为你痴为你狂为你哐哐撞大墙,横批:关系咣咣的。
    某男,妻经常红杏出墙,而视若不见,同事送一付对联,上联:只要日子过的去,下联:那怕头上有点绿,横批:忍者神龟>。
    一幅简短幽默的对联
    上联是:风里雨里想着你;
    下联是:真心真意爱上你>。
    横批是:信息发错<。

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